He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
