the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
