Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
