She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
