Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
