White coat. Heels.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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