god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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