Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
