Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
