Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
