hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
