when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want to make a zoo with you.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
