why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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