my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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