You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
