i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
