is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
