when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
