babies were throwing up all over the place
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
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you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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