Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
