my shit smells like andre
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
