STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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