If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
