so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.