I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.