nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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