I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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