It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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