i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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