At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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