I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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