Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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