the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
