shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
