I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i think i just lost a toe
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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