I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
