so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
