apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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