How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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