I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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