genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
