Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
