Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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