I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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