i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
