I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
