well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
