I'm lost and stupid without you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
