I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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