Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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