So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
