we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Panties = found
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
