You made me cry and you don't even care
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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