i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
