the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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