Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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