Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's never too late to be topless.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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