mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
