Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
