it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
