Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
